The Newcomer: Outsourcing Judgment & Thinking for Yourself

"Your Life's Happiness, Guilt, Success, and Failures Are Entirely Your Responsibility."

Outsourcing Judgment

Heed the Warning. Never Outsource the Judgment.

The Newcomer

There is an interesting phenomenon that occurs in nearly every profession, hobby, sport, and organization.

Everyone remembers being the newcomer. The newcomer arrives carrying equal parts excitement and uncertainty. They don't know the rules. They don't know the politics. They don't know who to trust.

They're simply hoping they found a place where they belong. And then it begins.

"Everybody says..."
"Don't talk to them."
"They're difficult."
"You'll never succeed doing it that way."
"That dog isn't good enough."
"That horse is dangerous."
"That person can't be trusted."
"Who do they think they are?"

Within a remarkably short period of time, the newcomer discovers they are no longer learning about dogs, horses, business, or people. They are receiving an accelerated education in human nature.

No matter your age, life has a way of making newcomers of us all.

It is easier to accept a label than it is to evaluate an individual.

"That dog's mean."
"That person's difficult."
"That breeder's wonderful."
"That owner can't afford a dog."
"That horse is dangerous."
"That politician is great."
"That person is terrible."

Once people adopt the label, they no longer have to think. The decision has already been made for them.

Human beings like certainty. We like belonging. We like consensus. Labels provide all three.

The problem is that labels are not facts.

Human Nature in Two Words

"Everybody Says..."

Those two words should immediately make you pause.

Who is "everybody?" Ten people? Two people? One particularly loud person?

How many of them have firsthand knowledge? How many are repeating something they heard from someone else? How many are simply taking their cues from the crowd? Human beings have always done this. If the crowd applauds, we applaud. If the crowd condemns, we condemn.

If the crowd changes its mind, we often change ours as well.

History has repeatedly demonstrated that crowds can be right. It has also demonstrated, with alarming frequency, that crowds can be spectacularly wrong. Crowds are useful for gathering information.

They are considerably less useful for outsourcing judgment.

Observation Is Not Conclusion

One of the greatest mistakes people make is treating observations, opinions, and facts as though they are interchangeable. They are not. Statement What Is It? "That dog bit three people."Fact (if verifiable)

"That dog is dangerous."Conclusion "He growled at me."Observation "I don't trust him."Opinion

"Everybody says he's mean."Reputation Most people lump all five together and call it truth. It isn't.

The same thing happens with people.

"She's difficult."
"He's arrogant."
"They're greedy."
"She's unfriendly."
"He's a know-it-all."

Okay. According to whom? And based on what?

Life's Great Teachers

Life has a way of educating people at different rates.

Some lessons arrive gently. Others arrive like a freight train. Wisdom is rarely acquired all at once. It is usually accumulated one experience at a time—one success, one mistake, one disappointment, one friendship, and one lesson after another.

Life is an extraordinary teacher—provided you're willing to pay attention.

And if you're paying attention, you'll eventually discover something interesting:

Every interaction teaches something. Every person teaches something.

Every experience teaches something. The question has never been whether life is teaching.

The question is whether we're listening.

Perception Is Not Reality

People are remarkably confident with remarkably little information.

Someone watches a dog for thirty seconds and decides its entire personality.

Someone meets a person once and decides who they are.

Someone reads a headline and believes they understand a complicated issue.

Human beings are meaning-making machines. We hate uncertainty, so we fill in the blanks.

Unfortunately, we are often wrong.

People Are Remarkably Confident with Remarkably Little Information

"People are remarkably confident with remarkably little information."

Remember that the next time:

Someone tells you who another person is.
Someone explains your dog after meeting him for five minutes.
Someone informs you that they know exactly what happened.
Someone insists they have all the answers.
Someone tells you who you are.

Ask yourself: "How much information do they actually have?" You may be surprised by the answer.

More often than not, people are forming conclusions from:

A single interaction.
A secondhand story.
A social media post.
A rumor.
A first impression.
Someone else's opinion.
Their own biases and experiences.

That doesn't make them malicious. It makes them human. The problem occurs when confidence is mistaken for accuracy. There is a difference between:

Confidence and competence.
Observation and conclusion.
Reputation and truth.
Information and judgment.

Learning to recognize that difference may save you years of unnecessary heartache.

Because once you understand that people are often operating with incomplete information, you begin to take their opinions less personally. And that is a liberating realization.

Welcome to Human Nature

Some people will help you. Some people will use you.

Some people will cheer for you. Some people will resent you.

Most people are somewhere in the middle. This isn't unique to dog shows.

It is true of businesses, schools, churches, politics, healthcare, social media, and every organization humans have ever created. The subject has never been dog shows. The subject has always been people.

The Cost of Success

There is an interesting lesson that often accompanies success.

People are usually comfortable with you while you're learning. They're comfortable with you while you're struggling. They're comfortable with you while you're finding your footing.

Then something changes. You become successful. You gain confidence. You stop asking for permission.

And suddenly, some of the same people who encouraged your journey become uncomfortable with your arrival. Many people spend years asking: "What did I do wrong?" Often, the answer is: "Nothing."

You simply became successful enough that some people had to reevaluate the assumptions they made about you. Do not let a handful of opinions determine whether you continue doing something you love.

Pay less attention to who applauds when you're struggling and more attention to who applauds when you're succeeding. That will tell you an enormous amount about a person's character.

Learn to Think for Yourself

Listen carefully when people speak.

Warnings have value. Experience has value. Reputation has value. But labels are not truth.

Learn from those who came before you. Pay attention to their successes and their failures. Listen when they speak, but leave room for your own experiences, your own opinions, and your own path.

Because the goal was never to become more like someone else.

The goal was to become more fully yourself.

Stop Handing Strangers Authority Over Your Life

One of the most valuable lessons you'll ever learn is that not every opinion deserves a place in your head.

People will criticize you. They will misunderstand you. They will occasionally say unkind things.

You get to decide how much real estate they occupy in your life. Not everyone is trying to hurt your feelings.

Sometimes people are trying to help you. Sometimes they're trying to teach you. Sometimes they're simply having a bad day. And yes, occasionally people are intentionally unkind.

Part of maturing is learning the difference.

If every criticism becomes a personal attack, you'll spend your entire life defending yourself instead of learning. Your reactions are your responsibility. Your life is your responsibility.

Continue Learning

Nobody knows it all.

The day you stop learning is the day you become dangerous. The people I respect the most all have one thing in common: They are still learning. Every success teaches something. Every mistake teaches something. Every disappointment teaches something.

The question is whether you're paying attention.

I've learned not to throw information away simply because I don't know what to do with it yet.

Life has a funny way of bringing old lessons back around when you need them most.

Ask Questions

Never be afraid to ask questions. Intelligent people ask questions. Curious people ask questions.

Lifelong learners ask questions. The day you stop asking questions is usually the day you stop growing.

Pay attention to how people respond to honest questions.

People who genuinely know their subject are usually willing to explain what they've learned. Those who are insecure in their knowledge often become defensive. And occasionally, you'll encounter people who mistake confidence for competence.

If an honest question is met with hostility, you've learned something valuable—though perhaps not what you originally intended. Their reaction is information. Every interaction provides information. The trick is learning to observe without immediately assigning meaning.

Do Not Lose Yourself

There is great value in mentors and in those who have walked the road before you.

Admire people if you choose. Learn from them. Study them.

But do not become so busy trying to be like someone else that you forget to become yourself.

People do not usually set out to lose themselves.

It happens gradually.

A phrase here. An opinion there. A different voice. And eventually, if you're not careful, you stop asking:

"What do I think?" And begin asking: "What would they think?"

The world already has one of them. It has never had one of you.

Standing Alone

Many people spend their lives trying to avoid standing alone.

They stay in relationships they have outgrown. They remain in social circles that no longer fit.

They adopt opinions they do not truly hold. They seek acceptance from people they do not particularly admire.

There is a tremendous amount of freedom in becoming comfortable with your own company.

Solitude is not loneliness. Some of the loneliest people in the world are surrounded by others and still have no idea who they are. There is nothing wrong with standing alone if you're standing where you belong.

If you always need the crowd to agree with you before making a decision, the crowd owns your decisions.

Enjoy the Journey

Do not become so busy chasing approval that you forget why you started.

The newcomer bought the dog because they loved dogs. The horse because they loved horses.

The business because they loved the work. The sport because it brought them joy.

Then, somewhere along the way, they forgot.

Be careful not to spend so much time trying to belong that you forget to enjoy the privilege of simply being.

Time Reveals Almost Everything

Time reveals:

Character.
Integrity.
Motives.
Loyalty.
Wisdom.
Reputation.

Give it enough time, and people will eventually tell you exactly who they are. Some people become wiser with age. Others simply become older while telling the same story for twenty years. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. Trust, however, must be earned all over again.

People Will Tell You Who They Are

"People will tell you exactly who they are if you listen with the intent to learn instead of the intent to respond."

Life has a way of introducing us to all kinds of people. Some will become lifelong friends. Some will become mentors. Some will become lessons. And some will become all three. People will tell you who they are. Not always with their words. More often with their actions.

They will tell you:

How they handle success.
How they handle failure.
How they treat newcomers.
How they speak about people who aren't in the room.
How they react when they don't get their way.
How they answer honest questions.
How they behave when no one is watching.
How they treat people who can do nothing for them.

The difficulty is that we don't always listen. Sometimes we explain away what we're seeing.

Sometimes we become attached to who we hope someone is. Sometimes we spend years waiting for people to become the person they have repeatedly shown us they are not.

People rarely hide themselves forever.

Given enough time, they will usually tell you exactly who they are—more than once.

And if you're paying attention, you'll learn something else: You are telling people who you are, too.

Every interaction is an introduction. Every action is a statement. Every decision leaves a footprint.

Time reveals almost everything. The question has never been whether people are telling you who they are.

The question is whether you're paying attention.

Hold Up the Mirror

At some point, every one of us needs to stop evaluating everyone else and spend a little time evaluating ourselves.

Who have you become? Who are you becoming? And, perhaps most importantly:

Who do you want to become? It is easy to identify the flaws in others.

It is considerably more difficult to honestly examine ourselves.

Are you the person who helps newcomers?

Are you the person who celebrates someone else's success?

Are you still teachable?

Do you ask questions?

Do you keep your word?

Do you speak kindly about people who aren't in the room?

Do you think for yourself?

Or have you slowly become the very person you once promised yourself you would never be?

Every once in a while, it is worth holding up a mirror and asking yourself a few uncomfortable questions.

Not because you owe the world an explanation.

But because you owe yourself an honest answer.

At the end of the day, the person you have to live with is staring back at you in that mirror.

Make sure you know who they are. And if you don't like what you see, remember:

There is still time to become someone better.

A Few Final Thoughts

Be kind.
Be teachable.
Ask questions.
Continue learning.
Help newcomers.
Observe more than you speak.
Don't believe everything you hear.
Don't take every criticism personally.
Let time reveal character.
Never lose yourself trying to fit in.
Stand comfortably in your own company.
Think for yourself.

Life has a way of teaching the same lessons over and over again until we finally learn them.

Think for yourself. Continue learning. Ask questions. Help newcomers. Be kind.

Stand comfortably in your own company.

Allow people to earn your trust, but do not hand them your judgment, your identity, or your peace.

Some people will spend five minutes with you and decide who you are. Others will spend five years getting to know you. Learn to recognize the difference.

Do not let a handful of opinions determine whether you continue doing something you love.